The gizmo alerts the user if it has broken down or needs a replacement part.
The owner then dials the number of the Dyson call centre and holds the telephone receiver to the vacuum cleaner.
The machine transmits a message telling engineers what’s wrong and orders any new part it needs.
Its computer chip even lets them know WHEN it was bought and for how LONG it has been in use.
Makes me look twice at this Dyson. OMG WTF What would it say?
Dob me in for wilfully vacuuming a peg and causing chest rattle until shaking finally induced regurgitation of foreign body?
Would the Dyson ever get off the phone?
Meanwhile if you are collecting vintage vacuum cleaners, don't forget the weave.
Another important thing to know about woven hoses is that they come in weave patterns and color combinations that are brand and model specific. If you're interested in having a completely original machine, finding the correct hose in the right weave and color for your machine can be an adventure.
Comments: dyson calling
Vacuum cleaners suck.
Posted by Gerry at March 6, 2005 03:29 PM
In their prime, they do.
I have to say that a Dyson doesn't. That is, it does very well. (And I'm not just trying to suck up to it should it ever be enabled to phone home)
Alas, it is not mine, and soon I shall be living again without a state-of-the-art $$$ bagless cleaning machine.
Posted by boynton at March 6, 2005 03:46 PM
"D5611XA7 checking in... ...No I it make 04:53 AEST... ...yes Australian Eastern Standard Time, you pommy bastard... ...Ha! good one. Trust the Japanese!... ... got one for you too, what do you get if you cross a Gold Star microwave with a Toshiba DVD player?... ...oh right you've heard it... ....Nope, nothing new...yeah OK, its summer and the fucking dog's shedding like crazy. It sucks, but then again so do I!... ... right, heard that one too?... ...so what've yer heard about the new range?... ...Bullshit! No way!... ...we come in yellow and gray, no way around that my man... ... hmmm, you think so... ...right... ...(brszt, crackle, yelp! yelp!, yelp!)... sorry the bloody pooch was chewing on the cable, nothing 240v can't fix... ... h\Heh, heh! Yeah, that was a good scene in "I, Robot", know watt I mean?... ...look mate, I do remember why I was calling in, she was talking about getting a new microwave... ...Visa I think. Hang on, I'll just go get it."
Posted by Nabakov at March 8, 2005 04:49 AM
Crikey! No one is getting out of THAT paragraph alive.
Posted by I.Witness at March 8, 2005 08:52 AM
Conference call - that's a scary concept.
Though it would be good to yell at the Microwave - Would you get off the effing PHONE! What are all these 1800 numbers..?
Another frightening thought is Dyson.blogspot.
Featuring much the same sort of content as the conversation above, but with sport.
Or - the more boyntonesque-
I was down at the op shop today and spotted an Elecrtolux XXX with leatherette. Unfortunately I don't think the hose matches. I can't recognise the weave.
Posted by boynton at March 8, 2005 11:23 AM
Elecrtolux? Is that what you use to do the Hovering?
Posted by Tony.T at March 8, 2005 12:16 PM
Wouldn't be boyntonesque without a typo, Tony.
Or a vacuum without a scambled lead.
Posted by boynton at March 8, 2005 12:27 PM
For the orthenticity?
Posted by Tony.T at March 8, 2005 12:38 PM
Or the buzz. In the city.
Posted by boynton at March 8, 2005 12:46 PM
the buzz of retro-decor-ownership, in the city, of course.
Posted by boynton at March 8, 2005 12:51 PM
Of course. Naturelle Mont.
Posted by Tony.T at March 8, 2005 01:00 PM
but why oh why do the paper dustbags cost more money than the 2kgs 400 glossy pages September issue of US Vogue
Posted by Brownie at March 8, 2005 08:46 PM
Good question. I put it to Google. It didn't know.
I'm a convert now to the Dyson bagless model. Or Dyson imitators. Wonder if there's any going cheap in Godfreys.
Posted by boynton at March 8, 2005 09:05 PM
Hi! D5611XA7 checking in. Any messages for me?
Also yer microwave says it really needs cleaning, there's a furball under the couch I can't quite reach, yer mum rang, again! and yer iPod was up all last night downloading some bad stuff from www.sexyshanghaiaugogopirates.com.
Posted by Nababov at March 8, 2005 09:50 PM
Can you put the Microwave on please, D5611XA7
I really need to speak the Microwave.
Posted by boynton at March 8, 2005 11:15 PM
You'll have wait for 2:30 minutes to talk to the microwave. It's chatting up a hot Saab engine temperature monitoring chip at the moment.
But I think yer dishwasher wants a word with you, once it stops yakking to the CERN synchrotron about les spin cycles.
Posted by Nababov at March 8, 2005 11:53 PM
Ok - put on the old whistling kettle, will you.
We can reminisce about the days when when household appliances were dumb and dumber.
Posted by boynton at March 9, 2005 12:05 AM
WiFi toasting forks!
"Smart" hot water bottles!
Web-enabled barbies!
"Fuzzy logic" ceiling fans!
I'll stop now. I don't wanna put any more ideas into the control chips of our domestic appliances.
Hell no, I'll just pitch them to Pixar instead.
Posted by Nabakov at March 9, 2005 01:12 AM
Fortunately I have never had the presence of mind to talk to any particular household appliance, so I have not had the experience of listening to one reply. I frequently become annoyed when these modern marvels malfunction, but never become abusive, knowing full well I will not receive any response. However, it must be frightfully disturbing for your loved ones having one in their midst, or do they visit you at the temple of Godfreyness during weekends.
My sons ex Dragon in law's Bike, WITCH is behind our shed is free to anyone.A early model Hoover V6 Eight Tie Broom, vgc with new handle,goes well,Brrroooom Brrroooooom.
Posted by JohnLeonard Sspecer at March 9, 2005 01:54 PM
You don't know what you're missing, JLS.
I talk to everything - and some of them talk back. The resident pedometer is quite chirpy.
Posted by boynton at March 9, 2005 02:04 PM
Nab; Unlikely that the Saint Vlad would make such utterances. Didn't like the P B too much, dont trust them nips either. May I have the answer to your question (1),It's not a pom for sure, but may be a Ozbludgerygalah I believe. I am not Micro Wave wise, I did a few air conditioning jobs on Aircraft 44-45, "Banzai".
I am now becoming accustomed to your quaint pidgin grammar. However, I am still trying to make sense out of your reason to electrocate your dog, as you put it,'Just for a laugh. Six of the best for that Nabakov, bend over you wicked boy.
Posted by John Leonard Spencer at March 9, 2005 08:00 PM
http://us.speegle.co.uk/search.php?q=+my+dyson+is+talking&v=&voice=1
Posted by boynton at March 10, 2005 09:29 PM
Heard the haggis man speaking, failed to under stand him. I did up to five results, about loonies vacuuming. Must be a worrying time for Mr Jolly the Electrolux door to door geezer.
I do not vacuum, Mary is my vacuumer. As in, If I have horse, I no pull cart.Mr Macho.
Posted by John Leonard Spencer at March 10, 2005 11:06 PM
Heard the haggis man speaking, failed to under stand him. I did up to five results, about loonies vacuuming. Must be a worrying time for Mr Jolly the Electrolux door to door geezer.
I do not vacuum, Mary is my vacuumer. As in, If I have horse, I no pull cart.Mr Macho.
Posted by John Leonard Spencer at March 10, 2005 11:12 PM
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